


Being Herself

by NaughtyBees



Category: Yonderland (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Trans Female Character, Trans Ho-Tan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-06-27 13:27:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19791817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NaughtyBees/pseuds/NaughtyBees
Summary: Ho-Tan decides it's time to announce to the world that she's a woman.





	1. 'I'm a Woman'

**"I'm a woman."**

"...You're not a woman though anymore, are you?" Vex asked as he looked Ho-Tan up and down, his hand wrapped around hers tightly. 

Ho-Tan exhaled softly, blinking and looking up at Vex. "That's not what I mean. Not on my outside, in here." A tentative finger on Vex's chest illustrated the point well. "Being referred to as a man, it feels like you're speaking to someone else." Ho-Tan's forehead came to rest on Vex's shoulder, prompting a supportive hug and a gentle pat on the back. Ho-Tan always did love hugs. 

Vex couldn't pretend to understand how Ho-Tan felt, but that didn't mean he wasn't prepared to be supportive. "So, how would you like me to call you?" 

Ho-Tan frowned, contemplating the question for a moment. "...I think feminine words would make me feel better. I like my name though, so I'm keeping it. It’s not particularly gendered, is it?"

With a nod, Vex took Ho-Tan's hands in his own. "Hmm. Lovely soft hands for a lovely lady."

Ho-Tan smiled for the first time that day. "Don't be such a grub-muncher. I'm serious!" 

"So am I." Vex chuckled. "So, how long have you known?" 

Ho-Tan shook her head. "I haven't." She frowned, trying to find a coherent way to explain. "It was an odd feeling. You know that nausea when someone pulls a chair out from under you? Like that but…all the time." She twirled her hair as she thought. "Someone in the market referred to me as 'madam' once and I…really liked it." She glanced up, appreciative of how intently Vex was listening to her. "The Pippel Fruit tree… it just popped into my head and when I'd changed I immediately felt like myself." She sighed and looked down at herself. "Now look at me."

Vex cupped her face to lift her chin, stroking her cheek with his thumb. "I am looking at you. And I see a woman."

The smile on Ho-Tan's face felt like it might split her in two. She wrapped her arms around Vex and squeezed him for all he was worth, his wheezing chuckles making her smile.

**"I'm a woman."**

Pressley's eyes flicked to Ho-Tan's chest with some confusion. He looked at his glass, barely a sip taken from it, and grunted with thought. 

Seating herself in the comfy sofa beside him, Ho-Tan took his sleeve between three fingers, enjoying how the fine fabric felt against her fingertips. "Do you not understand?" 

With a shake of his head, Pressley took a mouthful of his whiskey. "You want to be a woman…?" 

Ho-Tan cuddled closer against him, the warmth of his stockier frame comforting her. "I am a woman in my heart." She muttered, resting her head on his shoulder. "Just not on the outside…"

Pressley grunted. "Pippel fruit!" He smiled, looking down at her. "That's why you…? Oh, Ho-Tan." He moved to put his arm around her, holding her close. He smelled of fine whiskey and anti-diarrhea potion. "You weren't scared of telling me, were you?" 

Ho-Tan looked away. "A little, yes." She mumbled. 

Scoffing, Pressley hugged her tighter, coaxing a gentle giggle from her. "Stranger things have happened than you being a woman!” He leant over to his table, unstoppering his crystal decanter and sloshing some of the golden liquid into a glass. “Here, have a whiskey, we can talk about it more, if you want?" He pressed the glass into Ho-Tan’s hands, arm wrapping around her again, pressing her against his side. “Tell me all about it, pretty lady.”

Accepting the glass, Ho-Tan laughed and thanked him softly, taking a sip and snuggling as though she wanted to become lost in his clothes, finding comfort in how comfortable he was. 

**"I'm a woman."**

Choop raised a bushy eyebrow. He thought for a moment before shaking his head. “I don’t know what you mean, old boy--”

“Girl.” Ho-Tan corrected.

Choop still looked confused. “I’m not sure I understand.” He mumbled, frowning. “You’re a man, aren’t you? You still have a…?”

Ho-Tan could forgive Choop for being a little slow, as he was the oldest and not all there. She put a hand on his arm with a small smile. “I think I’ve always been a woman.” She muttered to him. “I grew up with five sisters who treated me like one of the girls. I felt at my best back then. But I’ve just felt bad throughout my adulthood.” Taking a lock of hair between her fingers, she twirled it. “Now Vex and Pressley are referring to me as a woman, I feel a lot happier. More secure with myself.”

Choop looked at her with a tilted head. “...still not sure I understand.” Choop smiled, knowing he wasn’t the best at getting things. “But I won’t upset the apple cart. Respecting you as a woman is easy, if the alternative is you being unhappy.”

Leaning close, Ho-Tan gave Choop a peck on the cheek, his moustache crinkling as he grinned, his cheeks going pink.

“Thank you, Choop.”

"Anything for you, my dear." Choop smiled as he placed a hand on his cheek.

**"I'm a woman."**

"Cool." Flowers purred, sitting naked and cross legged on the grass in the gardens. 

Ho-Tan paused for a second. "D…Didn't you hear me? I'm a woman."

Flowers looked up with a serene smile, nodding. "Cool." He repeated. 

That threw Ho-Tan a little. "...don't you have any questions?" 

Shaking his head, Flowers turned back to staring at the clouds. "We're all minute beings clinging to the skin of a sentient planet. Assigned gender is but a construct made by us. Like clothes, once you cast it away, you're left with just yourself, and yourself is whoever you want to be, sister."

Ho-Tan smiled a little as she sat beside Flowers, their knees touching as they watched the clouds together.

"No offence to Vex, but I think you should be Wise Elder."

Flowers laughed softly. "Titles are just constructs. Once you feel your balls on the grass, you're connected with earth, one with the soil."

Ho-Tan wrinkled her nose, unable to stop herself glancing at Flowers. "...Yes… I think I'll leave that for now, thanks…"

**"I'm a woman."**

"...I'm sorry?" Debbie asked, inclining her head a little. "Did you say you're a woman?" 

Ho-Tan swallowed thickly. This had been the one she'd been dreading most. Of course, she adored her friends, but she held Debbie in the highest esteem.  


"Yes… I am."

With a wide smile, Debbie opened her arms, knowing Ho-Tan was partial to a hug. "I'm so glad!" She cooed as she held her tightly, rubbing her back. 

"Glad…?" Ho-Tan asked, her chin resting on Debbie's shoulder. 

"Yes! I'm glad you've found out who you are." Debbie laughed softly as she let go, holding Ho-Tan's shoulders. "I'm proud of you."

Ho-Tan smiled sheepishly and looked at the floor. "You helped a bit." She mumbled. "You, being strong, I thought I could be strong too."

Debbie smiled sweetly. "Thank you." She smiled. "I'm not all too unfamiliar with transgender people, I can help you if you'd let me?" 

"Is that the word for it?" Ho-Tan asked with a smile. "Oh, yes please, if you don't mind."

Debbie smiled knowingly and nodded. "Don't worry, I know just the thing."


	2. She's Beautiful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Introducing Jake, the shameless self insert OC!

Ho-Tan had never been outside Debbie’s house. She’d never thought of venturing beyond the front door and out into the world. But today was the day, she supposed.

“Just keep calm.” Debbie smiled as she grabbed the door handle. “Everything is normal and safe, I won’t let you get hurt.”

“Thank you.” Ho-Tan smiled, although she couldn’t help but look worried.

The strange, metal boxes on wheels racing around at unimaginable speeds made her feel like she should call a knight, but she trusted Debbie, keeping close as she walked to her own box, opening the door for Ho-Tan.  
“It’s like a carriage.”

“Ohh.” Ho-Tan smiled as she climbed inside, sitting down, jumping with a squeak when the door was closed. All the buttons and levers confused her so she sandwiched her hands between her legs so she didn’t touch anything that might make the carriage explode or something like that.

Once Debbie climbed in, and showed her how to put on her seatbelt, she made the carriage purr, sounding like it was angry. Ho-Tan swallowed thickly, seeming alarmed, and Debbie noticed. She reached for the buttons between them and pressed a few, Ho-Tan startling at the music that came from nowhere. Debbie pressed another button and the screen read ‘Classical’. The soft music made Ho-Tan relax a little and she exhaled, sitting back in her seat.

“Where exactly are we going?” Ho-Tan asked, eyes glued to the window as she marvelled at the strange world beyond.

Debbie smiled. “The shopping centre. Shouldn’t be too busy at this time, since it’s a Monday.” As they paused at a strange red light, Debbie leant over and opened the glove box, revealing a crinkly packet. Ho-Tan did love the strange things that came in crinkly packets and investigated, finding small things in even smaller crinkly packets. Unwrapping one, she half expected to find a third crinkly packet, but instead she found a small, beige object. Popping it into her mouth, she hummed at the taste, glad to have something to ground her.  
“One of my friends is a trans man, he works in a shop there, so we’ll go see him. He’ll help get you some clothes without judging you.”

That sounded wonderful. Ho-Tan had been so wrapped up in her identity, she hadn’t put any thought into clothes, but now that she thought about it, a dress sounded positively divine.  
“Are you sure you’ll have enough money to pay for a tailor?” Ho-Tan asked.

“What? Oh, no, no… We don’t really do tailors anymore. There’s lots of clothes in different sizes for everybody.” Debbie explained as she approached a huge building that made Ho-Tan feel a little intimidated.

As they got out of the carriage, Ho-Tan took two more of the sweets, pocketing them as she followed Debbie closely. A few people stared at her as they went and she frowned, leaning closer. “...people are looking at me. Do they know…?” She asked worriedly.

“What? Oh, no. You’re just dressed a little strangely for my world. Sleeves like that haven't been worn out and about for hundreds of years.” Debbie smiled and held out a hand, Ho-Tan taking it and squeezing it to reassure herself.

The vast halls of this ‘shopping centre’ were made of marble, Ho-Tan supposed, the floor polished to a shine. She marvelled at the strange orbs of colourful balls in the entranceway, watching how children placed coins in the mechanism to release them. Looking up, she noticed with a coo of wonder that the ceiling was a mirror, and she waved at her reflection, Debbie laughing softly as she tugged her along.

They passed numerous large shops, selling clothes, food, toys, gifts. Ho-Tan wanted to linger forever, especially when she saw a stationary shop, a soft ‘ohh!’ coming from her. Debbie looked to where she was drawn to and smiled. “We’ll stop off in there after lunch. First though, we’ll go get you some clothes.”

The shop Debbie led her into made Ho-Tan gasp. She’d never seen so many clothes in one place, all arranged in neat rows, the walls adorned with shelves upon shelves of shoes in all colours of the rainbow. She had to pause, overwhelmed, and Debbie placed a hand on her back.  
“Are you okay? It’s not too much for you, is it?”

Ho-Tan shook her head. “No, I’m just… I’m so excited.” She could barely contain herself, not wanting to make a big scene that Debbie would have to deal with, but tears were welling in her eyes.

“Would you like to stay here while I go get Jake?” Debbie asked, motioning to the row of sundresses with a smile. 

“Do hurry, won’t you?” Ho-Tan didn’t want to be alone for too long, and felt a little anxious as Debbie left. However, the dress she saw first made her smile and she lifted it from the rack, holding it against herself with a little hum. There was nothing she didn’t like about this, the feeling of finally being herself, accepted by her friends and given the chance to present how she liked.

“That is a nice dress.” A gruff voice came from behind her and she startled, whirling around to see a large man, muscles upon muscles, a large beard, tattoos adorning his arms. 

Ho-Tan was terrified and was about to try defend herself, suddenly feeling out of place, but when Debbie stepped toward her, her shoulders relaxed. “Ho-Tan, this is Jake. Jake, Ho-Tan.” She smiled. “Jake was one of my friends when I was at school. He’s transgender too.”

With a small smile, Ho-Tan looked up at him, offering a hand. “You mean, you used to be a… I mean I… I’m sorry, I’m entirely new to the concept.”

Jake took her hand and shook it with a smile. “I was assigned female at birth, yes. Debbie tells me you’re looking for some clothes?”

Ho-Tan nodded. “Yes, please. Nothing too outrageous.” She put the dress back on the rack. “Oh, and nothing that clashes with royal blue. Don’t want my robes to look out of place.”

Jake smiled. “We have plenty in the sale that you might like.” He gestured and strode away, Ho-Tan following, still looking at the rows upon rows of clothes with wide eyes. Once they stopped, Jake gestured. “Pick up anything you like and we’ll go to the dressing room.”

oOo

This should’ve felt right. Ho-Tan should’ve been smiling. But as she looked in the mirror, smoothing the front of her dress, she couldn’t help feeling strange. It was a pretty number, light pink with red flowers, something Vex would’ve liked, and the matching headband and shoes really made the outfit come together. But still, it felt strange.

Debbie and Jake looked up as she opened the door, their eyes wide and smiles large. “Oh, Ho-Tan!” Debbie grinned. “You look beautiful! Are you okay?”

Ho-Tan looked down at herself. “I don’t know. I feel like I should be happier.”

Jake stood up a little straighter. “It’s natural to have reservations about it. I know I did. It doesn’t have to be a sudden change, you know.” He explained gently. “It took me nearly a year to shed all my female pronouns and become comfortable presenting as a man.” When Ho-Tan still looked a little sad, he continued. “Look at it this way. What do you feel happier in, that or your other clothes?”

Ho-Tan turned to look at her reflection. Now, this far away from the mirror, she could squint and mistake herself for one of her sisters. She smiled a little, flicking her hair over her shoulder. “...I think I’m focusing on the negatives of how I look. How I don’t have…” She gestured to her chest. “I do love it though.”

“You still look amazing!” Debbie smiled. “Once you’ve chosen what you’d like to buy, we’ll take a look at makeup, then I’ll show you what’s what when we get back.”

Looking at the monumental pile of clothes she’d picked out, Ho-Tan smiled, hurrying back into the dressing room to try on another dress.  
Jake looked down at Debbie. “She’s doing well, I think, considering she’s only just realised she’s trans.”

Debbie nodded. “I was worried she might be too dysphoric, but she seems fine.” 

“Don’t worry. She’ll only improve. Especially if her friends are as supportive as you said.”

The next dress was a beautiful blue and actually padded a little, and the slight change in her figure made Ho-Tan smile, blinking away tears as she smoothed her palms down her sides. Finally, this was how she was meant to be. This was her.

oOo

Ho-Tan seemed positively worn out, laying on Debbie’s armchair and yawning, cup of herbal tea in her hands. She hadn’t worn any of her new clothes home, she wanted to save them even though she had so many, since Jake had given them a discount. Plus, Debbie had let her get some pretty paper, and something called a ‘stapler’, from the stationary shop. She’d also tried something called boba, which she didn’t entirely love but the experience was interesting.

“Tell me when you’re ready for me to show you how to put makeup on.” Debbie smiled as she turned on the TV, putting something mindless on as she went to soak the rice for dinner.

The front door opening startled Ho-Tan and she sat up, eyes wide, wondering whether or not to hide. When Bob-Peter walked in, she looked up at him, keeping still and quiet as he looked at all the things they’d bought.   
“Oh, hey, mate. Who are you?” He asked, setting down his bag.

Debbie trotted into the room before Ho-Tan had a chance to say anything. “Pete! I thought you were working late?”

“Yeah, they let me go early.” He looked down at Ho-Tan with a furrowed brow, noticing her terror. “What’s going on?”

Debbie held up her hands and gestured. “This is my friend Ho-Tan. She’s just come out as transgender, so I took her shopping. It was her first time, so we made a day of it.”

“Oh!” Pete’s face softened and he smiled at Ho-Tan. “I hope you bought some things you like?”

Ho-Tan gave a tentative smile and nodded. “Yes.” She mumbled against the rim of her teacup. “Lots of nice things. Debbie is going to show me how to do makeup, too.”

Pete sat on the sofa with a sigh, smiling. “I’m glad! So, where do you two know each other from?”

Debbie cut Ho-Tan off. “Book club.” She smiled. “Although Ho-Tan is more of a writer.”

“Oh, yeah? Have you written any scripts?” Pete asked, leaning forward.

Debbie smirked and turned to walk back to the kitchen, leaving them talking.

oOo

The box opened like the arsenal of a torturer and Ho-Tan swallowed thickly as she looked at all the implements, almost worried.   
"What's that one for?" She asked, a tentative finger pointing. 

Debbie picked it up. "It's an eyelash curler."

Ho-Tan went from anxiety to astonishment, mouth falling open. "You mean…it makes your eyelashes longer?" 

"Sort of." Debbie picked up a bottle of something and unscrewed the cap, revealing a small brush. "This is mascara. It makes your eyelashes longer and fuller."

Hands over her mouth, Ho-Tan began to smile, reaching out. 

"Ah, ah!" Debbie replaced the cap. "There's an order to this. Here, let's do it like this…"

Debbie managed to set up a table between them, each side with a mirror, Ho-Tan with her new makeup box and Debbie with hers.   
"Now, I'll go slowly for you, just copy me."

Debbie explained each thing in the makeup box, from brushes and sponges, to lipstick and lipgloss, to nail clippers and varnish, taking Ho-Tan through the steps to a good makeover. With her natural talent for calligraphy, she found it very easy to copy Debbie exactly (although she substituted the eyeshadow colour to match the dress she planned to wear).   
The mascara made her grin so wide it hurt, her eyelashes looking beautiful, a little blusher on her cheeks making her feel very pretty indeed. With a dab of lipgloss she was done, and Debbie looked at her with pride. 

"Oh, Ho-Tan… You look perfect!" 

Looking back at her reflection, Ho-Tan flicked her hair, feeling so confident. "Thank you." She stood up and stepped forward, wrapping her arms around Debbie tightly. "Thank you for everything. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Debbie laughed softly. "Everyone says that." 

"They don't mean it like I mean it." Ho-Tan mumbled, clinging to Debbie tightly, not wanting to let go. 

oOo

Vex paced. The soft pad of his curled slippers echoing only made him more anxious. He worried that Ho-Tan would come back different, not the same person he adored, although that was silly. She was just going for some time with the Chosen One…right?

"Vex!" Choop smiled as he slowly doddered toward him, Pressley and Flowers in tow, the former seeming drunk and the latter wearing only his blue robe. "Any sign of Ho-Tan? The meeting is in an hour and we need our scribe."

Vex shook his head. "Deh Beh should have brought her back by now. I can't help worrying."

A flash of blue startled them and they raised fists, and peace signs in Flowers's case, relaxing when they realised it was the portal. 

A figure stepped through, and all of the Elders stared open mouthed. 

Her blue dress flowed about her slightly like the flowing waters of a river, silhouetted by the light of the portal like moonlight behind the visage of a goddess. The makeup on her face accentuated her features, hair perfectly framing her like she were a priceless portrait. About her neck was a silver necklace that twinkled as a star in the night sky might. But what was most prominent was her smile. As the portal closed, Debbie and Elf stepping back to let the Elders get a good look, they saw Ho-Tan truly for the first time. Every smile she'd ever held was nothing compared to the pure, unbridled joy in her eyes, her posture showing her confidence, every part of her singing with rapture. 

"Hello, boys." She cooed, having absolutely not spent the whole day deciding how to announce herself to make the best impact. 

There was a moment of silence, all mouths agape, the four men stunned. Then, Choop burst into tears. He rushed toward Ho-Tan and wrapped his arms around her tightly. She laughed and rubbed his back, smiling as the others crowded around her too. She didn't even mind Flowers being naked, too happy as they all talked over one another. 

"You look so happy!" Choop sobbed into her shoulder. 

"You're positively gorgeous!" Vex cooed, chin resting on her head. 

"Perhaps robes are a good thing after all." Flowers pondered, his naked chest pressed against her back. 

"You need to take me to where you got your clothes, they're so vibrant!" Pressley admired, pressing close to inspect her dress. 

Ho-Tan tried her hardest not to cry, allowing herself to be cradled by her friends, feeling completely and wholly happy for the first time in her life. 

"I love you all." Ho-Tan mumbled as she enjoyed the warmth of the hug, eyes fluttering closed. "I've never felt so safe."

Her sentiment was reflected as the Elders hugged her tighter, giving her their soft words of affection. 

"Gotta admit, she does look completely different." Nick said, not complaining for once. 

Elf nodded. "I'm glad she's happy."

Debbie used her sleeve to dab her eyes, sniffling slightly as she watched the Elders lead her to the chamber, asking her questions excitedly, about the world on the other side, about her experience, about how she felt. Nodding, she moved to follow. 

"She's beautiful."


End file.
